Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Acknowledging a fallen foe + my little road trip

This has been an important week for me...Finally, after everything he had endured and survived through, a single bullet was able to sever his stubborn connection to this mortal coil.

Ladies and gentlemen, June "Konaa" Reynolds is dead. 

I suppose you now expect gloating?  Maniacal laughter, perhaps.  As I sit back on my velvet throne and stroke the hair of a small precariously groomed household pet I let out a tirade of sadistic glee at the prospect of my cursed archnemesis's demise.  A rant about how now, no one can stop me, and that in the end, all his relentless idealism served him for naught!

You would suppose wrong.  He won our duel.

What I have always, truly wanted, is to show him how his faith in humanity is absolute nonsense.  Taking a life was a line he swore time and time again never to cross, and thus for my victory to be complete, cross it he would.  By shooting his own sister, even.

But no...June Reynolds was, I suppose, incorruptible.  Even when his own life was on the line, he refused to pull the trigger...Thus it fell to me to do so.  In the end, it was his victory, for he proved me wrong.  Perhaps there was one human being alive who could not be persuaded to take the easy route, who truly did live for his fellow man and nothing else.

...WAS being the chief word there, seeing as he's DEAD!  And his sister went down with him anyway.  Oh yes...We've lost precious Valkyrie.  My second in command's death is a nuisance, but, with her brother dead about half of her function would be gone anyway.  Don't even get me started on Jade's moaning about the death of her "Knight."  I had to carve her a new tattoo to shut her up!  Except even that didn't work cause she started screaming in pain!  ...Maybe I should've asked first...Nahhhhhh!

In short, blah blah blah, salute my fallen enemy, died pure, hope a coyote pisses on his corpse.  NEXT!

So as we all know, I was missing for quite the extended period of time while my team remained behind to handle things in my stead.  I was out of the country, simply enough.  And I tell you, the jungle is no place for a suit.  The humidity was killing me.  Well, I stabbed someone to make myself feel better, though, so really, it was killing THEM.

You don't get the country's name out of me, darlings.  All you should know is this- my reason for the trip was investigating into the very nature of our Slenderfriend.  So many conflicting stories!  Drawings on the wall in Egypt!  A malicious fey from medieval Germany!  A crappy photoshop!  He really is a modern Bigfoot, that Tall Man of ours.

To add one to the mix, it looks like he's made a few appearances in the Southeast Asia region.  As far as I can determine, minimal amounts of recent ones.  I'm talking ancient times here, people.  I found ruins in Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, and even Northeast India with objects practically radiating with His essence.  Wall carvings, journal entries...there was a lot of evidence.  It was just hidden from the casual seeker.

I don't do casual.

And within a temple in the jungle...I discovered something.  An artifact, you could say, left behind by what someone could call the predecessor to the modern proxy.  Only far more versed in harnessing the power of that Glorious Man.  My Territories, Writer's Loops, Fitzgerald's...heheh, pick and choose.  It's all very impressive, but the fact of the matter is that in ancient times there were a small number of people who held genuine power thanks to Him.  Really, quite fascinating, wouldn't you say?  And I have in my possession a little something one of them left behind.

All in all, my field trip yielded a tremendous gain.  I hope to show you all juuuust how wonderful my new toy is.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Return, and introductions

Dear me, look at the clock!  Well over a month has passed since my last post.  And of course, naturally there's NOTHING more important than keeping what is essentially a public diary up to date...Well, let's go over the events in order, shall we?

Firstly, though I am quite late here, Konaa paid me a little visit.  Sadly, I must say he is quite the poor houseguest.  That was quite the painful injury to recover from, but I have my ways, you see.

Only a few days later I ran into him and we had tea.   The Tall Master sought to end it early, however, and who am I to refuse?  

Next, I assisted the Tall One in capturing his little bird.

And as you likely know, his lady friend had to bail him out of the Hallowing. Though he proved quite resistant...

To catch up to recent events, Konaa has met my team.  I must say, they are an extraordinary group of youngsters, aren't they.  Allow me to formally introduce them!  Come on, don't be shy!  No no, use a different font each, be stylish about it!


Eloquent fellow, isn't he?  I named him that because, well, that's what he is. Between you and me, naming him Creative or Sensitive would've been nicer but quite dishonest.

Boss, what?  I already introwha ARGH okay.  SHIFT.  I hack shit and I can phase through walls.  Long story.  It fuckin' hurts.  Am I done?  Good.

Jade doesn't seem to be responding to my calls...Aah, teenagers.  They're all alike, moody to a fault.  We'll just go with my second in command, the woman who can handle these loose cannons while i'm away.  Valkyrie, m'deaaar?

What idiocy.  A "blog" is not even a proper word.  I am Valkyrie.  And if you encounter me, fear not.  I have made it my mission to show all I can the beauty of death, and I will exclude no one from this enlightening process.

And that, my friends, is Team Rhodes.  Obstruction's the muscle, Jade's the enforcer, Shift's the technical side, and the mysterious "Valkyrie" takes the role of my lieutenant.  I, myself, merely serve as the humble operations planner, and salary manager.  What was that, Shift?  Grumbling about how I don't pay you?  NONSENSE.  You're all still alive and relatively unhurt, yes?

That should wrap things up.  "But wait!" You cry, from your place on the ground, clinging to my leg.  "Where have you been for the last few weeks!  And please kill me painlessly!"

Well I'm in a considerably good mood, so I'll grant both your wishes!  (electrocution is painless, correct?)  ...Well, on second thought...The story of my absence is simply too good to share in one post.  Allow me to simply say for now that I was abroad...and more shall be revealed next time. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Fucking hell.

Who the fuck said you could just come in here and tear everything to pieces, you crazy asshole? The Boss is dead, Obstruction's arm is fucked up, and most importantly, I have a couple of bruises and our hideout is wrecked! What the fuck are we supposed to do now?

Don't even get me started on the other members of the team. Big ole Obbie wasn't much of a talker before his injury but now he's making the countryside seem downright full of chatter. Jade creeps the fuck out of me, and so do those other two girls. What is it with the boss and his love of disturbing women?

So clearly it's up to me to decide what we do. And what we're doing is finding that little shit what put us out of a job and splitting his face open.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Monday, September 12, 2011

Introducing- Shift!

It's been so busy here lately, preparing for Mr. Reynolds' arrival and such. Dear me. At any rate, I'd like to introduce one of the little helpers I have around the house.

Oh, yes, I know, it doesn't seem like me to work with others, but the fact of the matter is minions are very useful. They take out the trash, wash the windows, kill anyone you don't want to bother with, they're simply quite the convenience. Without further ado, my right hand man, Shift!

Okay so the boss just handed me this keyboard and said I'd be updating the blog whenever he couldn't. I tried to object but then he gave me the "I would enjoy killing you" look so here I am. Great. Okay, the name is Shift. I'm a hacker by trade, and allow me to say fuck all of you. Nobody gives a shit about your melodrama, they'd rather you all just dropped off the face of the planet so your stupid fight doesn't have a chance of affecting them anymore. You're all a bunch of morons and assholes.

Great the boss is lecturing me about internet protocol. What the hell, boss, you send people to the crazy ward for fun. Ow, okay, he poked me with a knife for that one. Geez. Anyways, what I do is confidential. As is everything about me. I am not in the mood to talk to any of you jerks. Am I done yet?

Charming young man, isn't it? Like he said, he'll be updating the blog whenever I can't, so you can expect more from Team Rhodes with every waking moment! I expect a parade in my honor or fifty innocents will die.

Haha, just kidding.

You hope.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

In other news!

It would appear that your beloved Schrödinger is dead.  Simply tragic.  Loss of life, particularly life so young, must always be mourned.  Especially when they likely died weeping and begging for mercy, for a swift death that would never come.  For rescue from the people they thought would save them but in actuality just failed somewhat pathetically to do anything at all.

Oh well!

Luke.  Oh, Luke, Luke, Luke.  We all knew you were a failure who never accomplished anything, but this is an all time low, even for you.  I mean, Elaine?  Of all people?  She already has a boyfriend, Luke.  And he's sort of a dimensional warping courier with a fucked up body.  Bit hard to compete with that.  Well, trash is trash, I guess.  Through and through.  Do us a favor and die in a corner somewhere where I don't have to clean it up.  That's about all you can accomplish at this point.

Last, but certainly not least,  I payed Nessa a little visit.  The poor dear and I had a nice long chat about the world, and the truth behind it.  I'm afraid...She did not react too well.  What happened to her?  Ha ha...that would be telling.  Much more exciting this way, wouldn't you say?

So much has been goin' my way lately!  And soon, I'll be ready to show you all something...Something I've been meaning to enact for a LONG time.  All the pieces are finally in place.  Now, come on, then, June.  Find me.  Kill me if you can.  Take the girl if she lives.  Take her from me!  Come on!  I'm WAITING ON YA, BUDDY!

Show me that determination!  That fiery, heroic spirit! Let me TEAR IT AWAY FROM YOU, INCH BY INCH!  Until you're just another broken, sad, WORTHLESS PILE OF FLESH!  HAHAHA!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Dear me, she's slipped away again

Upon tracking my quarry to New Orleans, I was faced with quite the dilemma- how to find one person who was trying very hard to hide in this enormous, sprawling heap of metal and flesh?  Well, be sure not to underestimate me, my friends- I can be quite persistent!  A couple days of inquiries and I had an address.

I tell you, this young lady is one of the hardest Runners I've ever hunted - and the irony is that she isn't even running from that dashing gentleman in black and white, but from a dashing gentleman in black and red.  Me, if you didn't know.  I'm unsure if she even knows the Tall One exists.

Upon entering the dim, abandoned building, presumably a residence of some sorts, I found my mark.  And a beautiful mark it is, long brown hair, glittering hazel eyes, nice ass, too.  Hehe.

I asked her to come with me, and she refused.  The absolute cheek of it!  I simply could not abide such rude manners and gave her a slice on the cheek to remember me by.  She cursed and spat at me.

And that was when I decided it was time to stop fuckin' around.

"Listen up, bitch.  I dunno what you think you're gonna do to get away, but even if you escape me in person, I'm always in your head.  Yeah, that's right, you know what I'm talking about.  You're just like me- you'll push anyone under the bus to make sure you come out a-ok.  Which is smart!  Good instinct.  And you've even learned to enjoy it, which is a big step!  I'm proud, for real.  But y'know, if there's one thing I can't deal with it's a liar.  Hate liars.  Fucking assholes piss me the hell off.  What gets me all fired up is how you're just like me and you don't even admit it!  You don't embrace it!  It ain't just a lie, it's a crying shame!  Wasted potential."

Ohhhh, she knew what I meant.  That look on her face...Man, I love being me.

"Aww, I think I know what it is!  You're afraid baby brother'll find out~ He'll look at his precious big sister and see a crazy bitch soaked in blood.  Can you picture that look?  HAHA!  I see you can!  Fear, confusion, sorrow...And disappointment.  Anger.  Betrayal.  Oh, it just EATS YOU UP, doesn't it?  Hahahahaha!"

Little liar screams at me to shut up.  Like fuck.

"That's why you can't stand to see my beautiful face!  Cause you look at me and see your own gorgeous face looking back.  With the eyes of a killer.  Run run run.  It won't go away.  Crawling, twitching, squirming thoughts, thoughts of the truth.  That truth no amount of time can bury.  That you and me, darling?  Are the same.  We both live for two things- ourselves, and watching other people SUFFER.  It's all we have left.  A match made in heaven, wouldn't you say?"

Screaming, clawing, I let her run away.  I certainly wasn't gonna get my suit wet with her wussy weeping, and she's already sloppier than ever at hiding her trail.  Won't be long now.  Not at all.

Friday, August 19, 2011

A new project

My my, it's been so busy in our little community, hasn't it?  The Mad Ventriloquist has had people in his disgusting rat-hole for the first time in years, Konaa had his tussle with the Tree, and of course, Mr Redlight finally bowed out.  Good riddance- no class at all, that one.  My compliments to Mr Dwyer and Mrs Delmont for showing him the door.

As for little old me?  I've been rather out of sight lately, haven't I?  I'm so sorry, my beloved fans, but my brand of cruelty may be a bit sparse in the coming days- I've a new mark, one that I've been waiting a LONG time to find.

Heh.  Heheh.  You know who you are.  Don't think you can run away from your own desire, my dear.  We're the same, and you don't need to go very deep down to realize that.

Take my hand.  Step into a new world.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Busy busy busy

Such a turbulent time we live in.  I've simply had no time whatsoever to update this blog.  Let me start out simple, shall I?  As you may have guessed from Konaa's updates, I had a bit of a discussion with dear.."H."  Oh, my poor dear, I could sense you cringing as you saw me mention you.  Don't worry.  I have no intention of revealing your identity- it amuses me further this way.

And lemme tell you, bitch, you're the easiest mark I've had yet!  Two sentences and you were weeping so hard I thought you might have turned the faucets on.  So much despair!  I wanted to take a picture of it and frame it on my wall!  Hahaha!

Konaa's excellent throw caused me a bit of pain, but I've had no time to sit and recover.  Today I sat down for an interview with a captured member of CRUSADER.  I needed information, you see, and fortunately for the young man I was in the mood to ask politely.  Unfortunately I cut his ear off halfway through my first question.  Jumped the gun, I'm afraid, always doing that, far too eager, that's my problem.

Seriously, how much blood do you fuckers HAVE?  Lay off the fatty food, assholes.

I managed to retrieve the information I sought, and I even untied him.  Of course, without either ear, a nose, or hands, I think he'll have trouble even getting to the hospital.  Oh well.  I'm sure he'll be fine.

Until next time, my friends.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Watch and learn, children

This?  Is how you destroy someone.  Completely and utterly.  So listen up and take some fucking notes.  I'm in a good mood today, and I want to do something for the common servant of the Bossman.  Hell, even if you ain't a proxy you could benefit from this handy little guide.

There are no steps, or phases, or whatever.  It's not a fucking numbered process.  Everyone, every single last one of you fleshy motherfuckers has a self destruct button.  Something about you, whether it's a part of your personality, something that happened to you in the past, a feeling you have about someone- it varies from case to case.  Sometimes they don't even know it.  Most of the time they do, but they keep it locked away.

Find it.  The one thing that person is ashamed of.  Bring it to the surface and watch them destroy themselves.  Let me give you an example.

Two months back, I pursued a group of three Runners.  Two girls and a guy, let's call them Jane, Susan, and John.  It was the same old story- the Bossman stared in their windows until they went crazy and ran.  Thing was, he didn't have any time for em, so I was sent to deal with them.  After tracking them to Chicago, I looked up some info on them on the plane over.  Jane and John were dating since last August according to their Facebooks. (always check Facebook, it's like Weaknesses-R-Us)  However, after a bit of digging, I found out that Susan and John had broke up July of last year.  Sounds like your typical teen drama boring as fuck bullshit, right?  Well it weren't.  These guys were in their mid twenties!  And Susan and John had been together for four years beforehand.  They'd even *gasp!* been engaged before breaking it off.  Shock!  Horror!

Why?  Didn't take a genius to figure it out, which is good because I am one.  Young, enterprising Jane had stolen John away from Susan by virtue of being more attractive and not quite as needy.  See, Susan had a condition.  Can't even remember what it was.  But it made the prospect of married life with her seem quite the chore.  So noble John left her.  Shameful!  What a thoroughly evil young man!  I hope you're as disgusted as I was!  But, well, turns out there's always another side to every story.  Susan hid her condition from John until well after the engagement.  Out of shame, out of fear, your guess is as good as mine, but she sprung it on him out of nowhere.  So John felt quite justified in dumping the little secret keeper.  Was he right?  Fuck if I know or care, that isn't important.  What's important is the story itself, not the moral.

I caught up with them in Chicago, where they'd been hiding in an abandoned warehouse.  As a gesture of goodwill, I walked in alone, to find Susan by her lonesome, albeit with a baseball bat.  The other two were nowhere to be seen- not home at the moment, it would seem.  I was ordered to sit and not to try any funny business.  I obeyed, being the cooperative gentleman that I am.  Then I decided it was time to start a conversation with my captor.  A breakup like that was bound to have some long lasting emotional trauma, and I wanted to help the poor woman sort it all out.  Here was our conversation in full.

S: What do you think you know about me?

R: I know everything there is to know about you, Susan, my dear.  Especially about you and a certain John...

S: And is that supposed to scare me?  Mentioning an old relationship?

R: It just seemed strange to me, is all, that the two of you would break off after such a long-

S: That's none of your business!  You're not my psychiatrist, you freak!  Stop talking.

R: I'm not?  What a shame.  You could certainly use one.

S: A-and what the hell is that supposed to mean!?

R: It meant what it sounded like, Susan.  You have many feelings about this situation, don't you?  Not the unpleasant disagreement with my employer, no- I mean about John...and Jane.

S: *She was silent, but I noted the difference in her body language now.  She was biting her lip, hard, and her eyes were narrowing.  The look on her face was simply delightful- a mixture of apprehension, and slow but steady realization.  I knew that she knew what I was talking about.*

R: It isn't easy, with a condition like yours.  Always being a burden, always slowing everyone down, taking up their time.  Always feeling the shame of that, festering in the back of your mind.  The knowledge that everyone who helped you did it out of pity, and not all of them did it willingly.  The knowledge that they resented you- for what you are.

S: You...shut the hell up.

 R: It was the same with John, wasn't it?  He threw you aside the moment you proved you would be a hassle to him, and went with someone else only a month laterOh, but that must have HURT, Susan.

S: I-it did at the time, but it's been almost a year!  I'm not-...I've gotten over-

R: Don't lie to me, my dear.  I'm merely telling you things you already knew.  Because no matter how much you told yourself that you just wanted him to be happy and that you'd find someone else, deep down you have always known the truth.  You hate them.  You hate them both.  As you should- how dare he cast you aside because of something you cannot even control!  But instead of embracing this truthful feeling, you buried it deep, deep down, put on a brave smile, and tried to simply continue forward.

S: Sh-SHUT UP!  Stop-  Stop talking!  *The poor woman really was not looking too well at all,  with her trembling hands and shaking knees.  Having scored a wound, I hurried to open it further.*

R: Even now, on this trip, the three of you on the run, you must have felt it.  That pain in your stomach whenever they touched, the longing you feel for him to look that way at you again.  And knowing that even now, they have to help you, that you were just slowing them down.

S: *She was crying at this point, her head in her hands, as if to block out the sound of my voice.  She had dropped her weapon.  I took the liberty of standing up.*

R: And you see it when they look at you, don't you?  That lingering doubt they have.  They wonder..."Is she really worth it?"  "Maybe if we left her behind, we'd have a better chance."  "Maybe we could be alone together." Your mere presence is holding them back.  But you already know this.

S: *She had fallen to her knees, weeping openly.  I felt truly sorry for the poor woman's predicament.  It just wasn't right that they treated her that way.  I had to help.  Any decent person would help.  I walked to her, and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder, leaning down to be at face level.*

R: It's alright, Susan.  None of this is your fault.  No, it's theirs, for cruelly treating you like this when you can do nothing about it.  There's still time.  You can still make things right, with this.

I removed one of my knives from within my coat, and placed it in her hand.  It was one of my special ones, a Balisong butterfly knife.  Normally I'd keep it for myself, but what can I say, poor Susan's plight simply tugged at my heart.  She dully stared at the knife in her hand, then up to me.  Slowly, she nodded.  I gave her an encouraging smile, then stepped back into the shadows.

In due time they returned, and she played her part magnificently.  Their screams of pain and confusion were music to my ears as I watched her slay first John, then Jane, then finally, herself.  I wiped a tear from my eye at the tragic ending of a tragic life.

Got it, kids?  No reason to get your suit dirty when a few words will do the trick.  Now, this was an easy scenario.  Seriously, dumb bitch bought every word.  Sometimes it don't work, y'know?  THAT is when you fall back on the Morningstar method, and brutally kill them in some hilariously gory and cruel fashion.

RIIIIIGHT!  Class dismissed!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

What a strange concept

It's occurred to me that I might create a weblog of my own, in order to keep my business dealings nice and orderly.  I will report back here with any new of significant, importantor just amusing missions I complete.

Currently I am enjoying the view here in New York City, in my temporary hotel room.  The service and food has been excellent, although the waiter in the cafe spilled wine on my suit.  However, that's not such a big deal, and we both got a good laugh out of it, especially while I strangled him in the alley behind the building.  It's almost like those dumpsters are there just to make things convenient for a gentleman like myself.

Ahahahaha.  Hurting people.  Let me tell you, folks, it never gets old!  That was a particularly satisfying strangling.  His eyes practically popped out of their sockets!  The fact that I was carving his eyes out with a knife might've helped, but hell, I ain't a biologist.

And wouldn't you know it?  He bleeds all over my clothing.  The man was simply attracted by some force, gravitational or otherwise, towards spilling things!  Awfully clumsy for a waiter.  I was one step ahead, however- I changed into casualwear beforehand!  Ha!  My suit remains as spotless as ever, although I must say the laundry bill for it did not improve the poor fellow's chance of survival, not one bit.

So I'm quite pleased with myself, and the hotel should be too, I've done them quite the favor here.  I think I will turn in for tonight.  Good evening.